I was born into the Wrong Body. I was born Into the body of a boy but I never really felt like a boy. Whatever little things that I liked were feminine. Most of my friends were girls and I loved to play dollhouse with them. When I used to be alone at home I’d wear my mother’s clothes and admire myself as a girl. One day my dad saw it and found it quite strange so he slapped me hard.
That was the first time when I realised that others do not think of me in the way I think of myself; like there’s something wrong with my body and my soul. The gender of my soul was completely opposite to the gender of my body. Things started to become clear gradually as I grew up. But I couldn’t share this with anyone for a very long time. I was scared as people used to tease me in school and college. They used to give me names. They’d call me a “chakka” because my postures was feminine. The problem was that I knew I had to control them. I couldn’t behave like a girl because people would make fun of me. I tried to suppress my identity myself. I felt as if I was confined everyday, every minute of my life; as if i was imprisoned; as if a woman is forced to live like a man for the rest of her life. Everyday, every minute of my life felt like a lie. I tried to convince myself. “Maybe it is a phase that will pass.”
But when I turned 16 I felt everything different. During the teenage years, seeing people going on dates, being in relationship, I realised that I will always be alone, that I will never experience love in my life and I was quite depressed about it. So much, that I even attempted suicide. But then finally I opened myself as a transgender to my family, friends, relatives who were unaware of my reality, unaware that I was actually a girl. What I feel sad about is that all those who were important to me didn’t accept my reality and I lost them all. I was far from my home and they told me that I was dead for them. Since 5 years back, I haven’t met my Baba, mummy, or anyone else.
Now I am a worker in Blue Diamond Society, where I am accepted for who I am And I can proudly say that I am a Girl, a beautiful Girl
Story of Ru Bee Naa Nepal , collected by Diwakar Gurung ( in the picture )
Credit: Today’s Story