That slam I made on the door.
I was on my way to office passing by a crowd of people, the noisy messy traffic. I could hear people, I could hear the engines of vehicles around, the horns they honked. Various sound, various noises, the sound I didn’t want to hear. Tolerating all those noises, I finally reached the office, late by 10 minutes.
To my little relief, I didn’t have to face any faces to get any unwanted questions and greetings. I didn’t want to answer, I didn’t want to greet anybody. I didn’t want to hear anything or utter any word. I had an unwanted expression on my face. I sat on the seat unwillingly. The tea brought up in a cup above a saucer, I didn’t want to drink it.
On the desk, I had the desktop I didn’t want to boot, the papers I didn’t want to even turn over, pens whose lids I didn’t want to open, the telephone I didn’t want to even bat an eye on.
The papers, the pens, the water bottle, the mouse, the telephone wires, the table calendar, the cell phone, none of them were on place, and yet seemed all properly kept. Or, maybe, it was the other way round. Each of them were just in place and yet all messy to my eyes.
A shirt on my back, my legs in the casual fitting pants, a pair of nice-looking sandals, clipped hair, the right wrist with a decent watch tied on, the bare face with sunscreen rubbed on, the unpainted eyes, lips and nails. I was all so messy and yet felt tip-topped. Or, maybe it better was the other way round. I was tip-top to watch and yet all messy within and out.
From the step I paced out of my house until now, I am all screaming from within. “I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that. What the crap was wrong with me, damn it. I freaking shouldn’t have done that.” I was screaming. I was screaming inside with some silences in between. The silences that made my facial expressions all vanish, the silences that almost led to lacrimation, the silences that made me regret and again scream, “I shouldn’t have done that.”
He’s younger than me, two years at least. I should’ve tried to understand what mood he was in. I should’ve understood why he had screamed at mom, and me. I shouldn’t have screamed back at him. I was getting ready to leave home for work. I should’ve stayed calm.
Maybe that wouldn’t have led him to hide the dress I made ready to wear for work. And hence, I wouldn’t have gone crazy searching for it. I wouldn’t have made mom search the dress everywhere possible. He wouldn’t have locked himself in his room.
I wouldn’t have knocked the door that harsh and eventually slammed it from out so hard. He wouldn’t have gone more insane with that slam. Mom wouldn’t have got disappointed of my act. I know she felt bad seeing me that way. I acted like a wasted child. That slam I made on the door must’ve hurt her so much.
I should’ve thought about the consequences. I should’ve tried understanding the situation all at the very beginning. I could’ve stayed calm. That definitely would’ve worked. My brother wouldn’t have gone crazier, and thrown himself on bed with wet pillow cases with his tears.
Mom wouldn’t have worn that distressed look on her face. I wouldn’t have felt wasted. That slam on the door would never happen. I wouldn’t have to stay restless.
The lunch – plate wouldn’t have gone cold when I finally bothered to drag it, and the pantry – staff, she wouldn’t have given that crazy look to see the untouched lunch she made ready for me. Damn, that slam I made on the door! I wouldn’t still have been screaming inside, “I shouldn’t have done that”.
Credit: Today’s Story